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f00ker
D15 > LS1
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SlickChicFallen
3 stories, all good...

1) At f00ker's mom's place to have dinner; his sister and brother in law are there too. We're all playing mario tennis or something and I feel the urge coming on. I keep playing because the game isn't even half way done. By the time the game ends, I know I'm gonna shit myself if I don't go now, but they all want to play another game, and I'm all "no... no... I've had enough for now", my voice strained. So I end up throwing the controller down, I walk as quickly as possible to the toilet and promptly UNLOAD. Oh. My. God. That felt so good... the flood gates had been opened and the pressure was all gone. Only problem was that it STUNK like HELL. I end up coming out of the bathroom 20 minutes later. Apparently his sister had been waiting to use the bathroom when I was done. So I walk out, sheepish look on my face, and begin to walk away. I turn to look over my shoulder to see her walk in, and a split second later walk RIGHT back out, her eyes seeming to water and a disgusted look on her face.

SO EMBARASSING!

2) Going along with the pissing/shitting/vommitting theme y'all have going... Four or five years ago I remember quite possibly one of the worst nights of my life. I hadn't been feeling well all evening, so I eventually go outside to get some fresh air since that had a tendency to make myself feel better. Five or so minutes pass and I realize that my entire stomach region hurts like mad and that I'm gonna puke. So I start looking around frantically for somewhere to puke. No dice. Pain in abdomen continues to grow to excruciating levels. So finally I puke. Not only to I puke all over the front porch, I POWER PUKE all over the front porch; vomit spraying everywhere. With the vomit still coming out of my mouth, I that something funny is going on with my back end. Shit. Oh shit. And LOTS of it! Not only did I have the flu, I had diarhhea. And it was the squeezing of the abdominal muscles was enough to propell the pent-up excrement out of my ass and FILL my sweatpants!
My mom finally comes out and I have to sheepishly tell her that I'd had an accident. I waddle into the bathroom, 20 or so yards away, and I had to walk past the dining room table, at which my entire family was still eating. VERY EMBARASSING. So I clean up, shower, get new clothing on, etc etc.
But the story doesn't end there (I wish it had, though). I spend the rest of the night vommitting and shitting myself at least half a dozen times. I sleep on the bathroom floor in my parents' room because that was the closest bathroom to my room. At one point I woke up and couldn't even make it to the toilet and shat all over the floor. I spend the next few hours cleaning it up. To this day, I can still see a very slight discoloring of the carpet where it happened

3) This actually happened a few nights ago, hehe... My parents, f00ker, my niece (6 yrs old), and a few friends of the family all decide to go to dinner at the Old Country Buffet. Everyone eats, fun is had by all, etc etc. By the end of the evening, f00ker and I realized we both needed to shit really really bad. So f00ker and I hop into my car and speed back to my parents' house. He heads for the downstairs bathroom, and I to the upstairs one (in my parents' room because there was no way in hell I was gonna use my brothers'... but in retrospect, I probably should have). I make it there just in the nick of time, sit down, and unload. It wasn't so much big logs as it was the sheery quantity of small ones. Over a dozen of them, it was ridiculous. Suddenly I hear the downstairs (front) door open. Shit, everyone's back. After a minute or so I hear little footsteps coming up the stairs and someone knocks on the door. Its my niece. I tell her I'm almost done and I'll be out in a minute. Well, I start to panic. My niece, I love her and all, but she doesn't understand that its kinda rude to comment about anything *left* in the bathroom when you enter. Well, I finally get out of the bathroom, and she goes in. At this point, f00ker is waiting for me at the top of the stairs (door to parents room), and my niece suddenly pops her head out the door and says "Julia, you left some poop in the toilet! and it stinks!"

f00ker and my mother (who heard it too) both bust up laughing, while I stand there utterly stunned. After a moment I laugh too, but I gently scold her, and go about my business.

Kids say the damnnest things




rofl, all the good memories...


edit:
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Old 03-14-2005, 07:56 PM f00ker is offline  
#196  

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your imaginary friend
 
I was going home on the school bus afterschool and for some reason or another did the old fart/shit the pants routine. No one heard it but it sure did smell bad. It worked out well though because everyone thought it was the kid sitting next to me. I was taunting this kid for shitting in my pants along with the rest of the bus. Got off the bus and cleverly hid the shitty underwear behind the couch in the TV room. No one knew what it was, but my mom thought a mouse had died or something until she pulled away the couch and found them hardened and stuck to the wall.

I remember I just kept on watching Mighty Mouse and my mom never said a word.. she just sighed.
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Old 03-14-2005, 07:59 PM your imaginary friend is offline  
#197  

spudboy
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by L33T_h4x0r_d00d
I played shit hockey.



Fucking hilarious.
Old 03-14-2005, 08:01 PM spudboy is offline  
#198  

Mister X
Rick
 
I have created a home for these poop disasters!! Its not much now, but it could grow to become a fantastic website!!!

www.poopdisasters.com
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Old 03-14-2005, 08:07 PM Mister X is offline  
#199  

Flint
[Invisible Title Here]
 
1. havent pooped in a week
2. need to poop now
3. cant poop because it might hurt
4. ...
5. no profit
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Last edited by Flint; 03-14-2005 at 08:18 PM..
Old 03-14-2005, 08:13 PM Flint is offline  
#200  

thegrandpenguin
 
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I was working at this summer camp one year, it was a YMCA camp so some of the kids were kinda from these "PRAISE JESUS" families, and are sometimes hard to handle. That one week I was in charge of the 6-8 year olds, and only had about 7 kids, so it was all good. It was Sunday, opening day orientation, fresh batch of kids. I was feeling pretty good, the kids were well behaved, and they never really back-talked to me. That night after me and the other leaders in the cabin put them to bed, I climbed into bed with expectations of a good nights sleep. Jesus, was I wrong. About an hour into slumber I wake up with a HORRIBLE pressure in my stomach, as if someone took a bike pump and gushed a couple gallons of air in there. I itmmediately tip-toe to the restroom, trying not to wake any kids up, and promptly shut the door and launch my ass on the toilet. Nothing came out at first, but after just a wee bit of pushing, the sound of a minute sized log hitting the water filled the air. Confused, I attempt to push a bit more, only to open the flood gates, unleashing an unholy amount of the vilest smelling liquid I have ever smelled. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, we've all had the shits from time to time, but the SOUND. It's as if an elephant was violently vomiting from INSIDE my bowels. The flood continued to flow, and as I was in mid-push, I heard the worst sound possible.

The sound of a doornob being twisted open.

Let me tell you something about these bathrooms. There's about 3 toilets lined up with a small shower in between each one, and each stall is covered over by a small piece of thin plastic hooked up to a metal bar which, despite anyone's efforts, was notorious for never being big enough to block the view of the toilet-ee. As the door opened, not one, not two, but 3 of the campers come rushing into the bathroom, wide-eyed and wondering what the horrific sound they heard was. Upon gazing upon my sorry state, they itmmediately began to laugh there sorry little asses off, screaming and hollering at what they saw. This, of course, woke up everyone in MY cabin and the three surrounding it. While trying to pull the green curtain to cover myself, I felt my stomach begin to churn again, and began to vomit a vile red substance all over the floor and my pajama pants. The rest is a bit hazy, but I remember the other leaders of the cabin trying to get the kids out of the bathroom, laughing uncontrollably themselves. I spent about 6 hours that night shitting and vomiting myself to sleep on the toilet. I woke up at around 5, took a shower, and spent the rest of the day in one of the beds in the nurses office.

Needless to say, I lose all respect from my campers that week, they wouldn't listen to a thing I said. And of course the story spread through-out the entire campground. Not a good week to be had at all.
Old 03-14-2005, 08:17 PM thegrandpenguin is offline  
#201  

Suicide King
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mister X
I have created a home for these poop disasters!! Its not much now, but it could grow to become a fantastic website!!!

www.poopdisasters.com
i posted
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Old 03-14-2005, 08:19 PM Suicide King is offline  
#202  

el aye
you'd you you do
 
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lol poop
Old 03-14-2005, 08:25 PM el aye is offline  
#203  

Mister X
Rick
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuicideKing
i posted





i have a feeling once it doesnt suck (looks better, etc) this website will grow to be quite large
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Old 03-14-2005, 08:31 PM Mister X is offline  
#204  

macky
If I had a Vagina, I'd be the Pefect woman.
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by L33T_h4x0r_d00d
I played shit hockey.
Funniest damn thing I've read in a long time
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Old 03-14-2005, 08:34 PM macky is offline  
#205  

evildre
 
Holy crap, I'm totally making a PDF out of this and sending it to my gf, she'll laugh her ass off

Me ... I haven't had any poop disasters. I have the uncanny ability to get to a toilet before I poop myself. Take, for example, 5 March 2005. My boss and I were talking to a good customer. I had just eaten a nice, greasy, half-pound hamburger. My stomach suddenly started to reject the recent meal. Apparently, my mouth was the only part of my body that liked said burger.

Now, normally I would have calmly walked to the bathroom in the back of the store done my business. This was not a normal situation: my boss had retrieved his jacket and was on his way out of the store to go home, leaving me alone in the shop with a customer who had a metric fuckton of questions. I was starting to sweat as the questions poured out of the guy's mouth ... I'm sure I was turning red. I felt a pocket of gas brewing in my rectum, but I didn't dare let it out; I feared the worst would happen if I did.

After what seemed like an hour of incessant badgering, the customer turned around and left. There was still half an hour until closing time and I was the only one in the shop ... ah fuck it, I locked the door, taped my "BACK IN 10 MINUTES" sign to it, and waddled at top speed to the bathroom in the back of the shop. As soon as my ass hit the toilet seat, I had a tremendous assplosion that nearly sent me flying through the damn ceiling. I swear, I thought I was going to go into orbit. If anyone else was in the store, they probably would have run into the back and tried to break the door down to see if I was still alive and in one piece. Thankfully, the force of the blast took the massive ball of shit with it into the bottom of the toilet (no shen, it looked like a brown ball of pancake batter), minimizing the smell and the impact on the white porcelain of the toilet. A few wipes later, I was good to go.
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Old 03-14-2005, 08:37 PM evildre is offline  
#206  

Synth3t1c
Superest Supermod Evar
 
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1.) I work @ bestbuy
2.) computer dept. near bathrooms
3.) some fucker shits on floor near water fountains
4.) inventory has to clean it up
5.) ...
6.) no profit (although we did make quite a bit of revenue that day)
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Old 03-14-2005, 08:37 PM Synth3t1c is offline  
#207  

Darkred17
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by stapler
Any distance runners here will sympathize:
I cried for you, even before reading the story.
Old 03-14-2005, 08:38 PM Darkred17 is offline  
#208  

L33T_h4x0r_d00d
 
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2 years ago I rented a room in a beach house in Dewey beach deleware. Dewey beach is a tiny area with shitty beachs. It does however have incredible clubs and nightlife. People go there to go party then go lay on the crappy beach the next day to recover from the previous night. The population is mostly made up of hot ass chicks and model looking guys.

So my beachhouse had 18 people staying in it. I was the other guy. For 8 weekends I was the only guy at the house and at any one time there were no less than 7 people staying there. There were 3 bathrooms in the house and as you might expect that was 19 bathrooms too few.

One afternoon after a few too many terriaki chicken wings I felt that familiar rumbling in my lower regions. I made a quick trip to the closest bathroom where I spent at least 45 minutes trying to give birth to a full size nfl football, with laces. This thing was huge. It was so big I had to take breaks in the middle.

So I finish and I flush. I standup and realize that this monster is not ready to leave this world since it is too big around to fit down the hole.

Right about now I get the "hey hurry up in there, you've been in there too long we need to shower too". So at this point I now have an audience outside waiting for me come out. I cant flush 15 more times without suffering the indignity of womens gossip.

So at this point I need something to sink this behemoth and I'm not going to use my finger. My eyes quickly dart around the sink scouring the toiletries for something sticklike to break this leviathon into toilet friendly sizes. What can I use?

A toothbrush.

I quickly snag a toothbrush off the counter and use the handle to stab my shit monster into the afterlife. It took about 2 minutes to break it up into pieces that I was confident would submit to the tiny hole. I can say that it was probably in the top 5 worst 2 minutes of my life, but probably not the worst. I have stories far worse than this.

So I flush the shit soup and it all goes down with a satisfying gurgle. Im quite satisfied with myself until I realize that I'm still holding someones shitty handled toothbrush. I contemplated washing it and putting it back but I decided that I was willing to spend the time to destink it enough to pass the pepsi challenge. So I wrapped it up in toilet paper and put it in the trash.

I got the fuck out of the bathroom and just in time. The ladies were all but ready to bust in. It wasnt 2 minutes before I heard "Hey, where's my toothbrush?"
Old 03-14-2005, 08:39 PM L33T_h4x0r_d00d is offline  
#209  

PHiL!
HYDROELECTRIC PILE DRIVER.
 
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i was with the korean church youth group several years back on a trip through indiana to chicago to listen to some dweeb preach. anyhow, in indiana, we stop at another korean church for a few days so the kids can act cliqish and asian.

one evening i'm sitting in the chapel listening to a sermon and i feel an incredibly heavy cramp in my gut. it was the crappy fried rice from the night before. i just fucking know it.

so with this "gut feeling" in mind, i come to the conclusion that i have to take a shit. i can feel that this is a messy one. oddly enough, i sit there. the pastor is talking passionately about something... i'm too busy puckering my asshole to really care about what he's yammering on about. but i remain seated. i just sat there not wanting to look like an idiot by standing up in the middle of the supposedly mesmerising sermon to release the boiling torrent of shit from my ass. but i foolishly think he'll wrap it up pretty soon, so i decide to remain seated.

minutes pass. they feel like hours.

things are looking bleak, so i literally bow my head and pray to god to end the fucking sermon.

another couple minutes pass and i actually start to get angry. SWEET FUCKING CHRIST, HOW MUCH MORE CAN HE HAVE TO SAY!??!?!?!?

at this point, my faith is gone and i figure out that god ain't helping me with this one.

i scan the room for exits. i spy a door in the left corner of the room that would lead me DIRECTLY to the bathroom, but it's blocked off by the lady at the piano and it'd be a very conspicuous exit. in addition to making the piano lady mover her sweaty ass, i'd have to walk right in front of the pulpit. not what i was wanting. i gulp nervously and realize that the only other way to the bathroom would be through the door on my rear right, the direction opposite of what i wanted to head. and damn it if it wasn't the longest path to the only bathroom.

i shoot up like i sat on a pin and power walk to the door, my face locked in a grimace from focusing all my strength on clenching my buttcheeks together. as soon as the chapel doors swing shut behind me, i break out into a hot step down the hall with my hands squeezing my buttcheeks together. i head down the stairs to the basement and i'm in such a rush that i misplace my foot and nearly fall down them. i slip down 3 steps and i'm back on my feet, wondering how i didn't lose control of my ass.

i get into the basement that i have to cross to reach the stairs that will lead me to the bathroom. i catch one glimpse of the room and think, "you've gotta be fucking kidding me."

there are folding tables set up lengthwise that i have to weave through. at this point, the dookie is pushing up against my clenched rectum so hard that if i spread my legs more than a foot apart, i'll fucking lose it. so i waddle my way through the folding table obstacle course in the basement in about 40 seconds, which is amazing considering the size of the room and the length of my stride.

another set of stairs...

halfway up the steps, my walls start to crumble. my dam falls apart. the poop is coming out. all efforts from here on out are to slow the fucking poop down.

they aren't working so well.

i reach the bathroom and kick open the nearest stall. i carefully lower the pants and place my ass on the seat as a brown storm of stink rained down into the bowl. i look down at my underwear and survey the pasty heap of brown and breathe a sigh of relief because i was wearing briefs and they managed to keep the shit from soaking into the pants. after 3 minutes of constant shitting, i begin cleanup. i take off the pants and drop the briefs into the toilet, wipe my ass as best i can, replaced pants and locked the entire bathroom off. i then proceeded to wash my ass in the sink because i wouldn't be showering in couple days or so. it felt kind of nice going commando after that.
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Last edited by PHiL!; 03-14-2005 at 08:44 PM..
Old 03-14-2005, 08:39 PM PHiL! is offline  
#210  

 


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