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The following is an in-flight recording of a conversation between 2 pilots in a 2 seater fighter jet...
enjoy.
http://home.planet.nl/~slui0628/genm...flightsuit.wav

edit: if you can help hosting thatd be cool...
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Old 03-14-2005, 04:46 PM shake is offline  
#136  

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damnit
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Heres the original thread I made after crapping myself at hot chick's place:

WARNING: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GO ABOUT EXPLAINING THIS

The plan tonight was to drink at a hot chick's house, then go to a bar a couple blocks down to watch some bands play at my favorite dive.

Well, after leaving a family gathering, I went home to grab something to eat, shit, and shower. I went to the local Mexican place, Saguaros. Best California burritos ever. I got a quesadilla in the drive thru, went home, browsed genmay, ate the quesadilla, took a shower/shit, and left to the girls house. On the way, I went to the local liquor store and grasbbed a $7.59 bottle of Merlot, and 2 tall cans of Papst.

On the way to the girls house, I called her and she said she would be picking up some weed, but she would leave the door unlocked so I could go inside and chill. I arrived, poured two glasses of wine, and waited. I caught the last part of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. She got home, we smoked some bowls, drank the bottle of wine, and shared a can of Papst. We went to the bar, met up with her ex-bf, my bestfriend, and they played a game of pool. I got a beer and the bartender broke off two parts of the rim of the bottle. I didn't realize for awhile, decided I wouldn't cut myself, and drank 3/4 of the beer, then got a new free one. Totally partyin'. The next band up sucked, so we deicded to go drive around downtown for awhile.

On the way back to the bar, I had the gnarliest stomach ache. The kind that makes you want to take a shit immediately. I informed driver and he hurried up, but then it subsided. It was a sharp pain to the lower stomach, relaxing the seatbelt seemed to help. So we were going back to the bar, and best friend said something fucked up to his ex or something. She got pissed and made him stop, and got out. 30th street in North Park San Diego isn't the greastest place, so I told my friend to go to the bar, that I would walk her the short way home to her place, and would meet up with him later. I walked her home, she was bitching about my best friend, I tried to console her, whatever. I just didn't want her to get harrassed on the way home as fucked up as she was physically and mentally. We got to her place, I hovered around the door trying to leave as she kept on talking, but she didn't skip a beat and invited me in to smoke with her. I did, and we talked some more, and the pain started again.

I said I had to leave to go home so I could take a shit, and she said to wait for her to pee, then I could shit there. So she went to the bathroom, and the pain came HARDCORE. I stood up and squeezed my asscheeks, trying to hold it in, but I felt the baby's head leave my sphincter. I tried as hard as I coudl to keep it in, becuase I heard her finishing up, but as I started walking to the door, it all let itself go.

I can remember 3 distinct splatters hitting the rust-colored carpet, and I used the bag from the wine and the beer to quickly pick up the chunks before she opened the door. I think I was still leaning over when she exited the bathroom, but I just placed the two bags on the counter and ran inside the bathroom. It was now flowing all over.

I felt the seeping warmth run down my leg as I tried to hold my shorts/ass together, but just ran and threw my shorts down as my ass hovered over the tiolet. I sat down and let it flow. It was nasty. Watery anal chunks splashing into the toilet, totally splattered all over the bowl, and then i realized my boxers were dripping wet with shit, as well as my pants and my socks/shoes. I sat until I felt no more loose anus, then spent an hour in the bathroom trying to clean it all up. I had to wash the inside of my shorts. they were covered in shit and slimy diahhera shit. the toilet seat had shit on it from the backs of my legs/ass, adn there was shit on the carpet and liniolium floor. I used my socks to clean it all up, I think I did an alright job except for the goo that penetrated the carpet. I put on my wet shorts, sans boxers, put on my cleaned shoes, and left the bathroom I opened the sliding door, and she was asleep, or pretending to be asleep on the couch. I wiped up the splatters on the kitchen floor from dumping the paper bags over there, found a plastic bag, put boxers/socks/bags in it, and locked that shit up tight. I said her name a couple times, then decided was probably pretending to be asleep, and left her apartment building. I dumped the plastic bag o surprise in a recycling bin down the street, and walked to the bar to get my car.

Used a shirt in my car to cover the seat, and went home. I just goit out of the shower after cleaning my ass and shorts, and my shoes still smell shitty/

Cliffs of long long thread:

1. Bought wine and beer and wine
2, went to hot chicks house
3. went to bar
4. left bar with friend and hot chick
5. i have stomach problems.
6. chick gets mad at friend, i walk her home
7. we party for awhile
8. stomach problems happen again
9. she takes piss
10. i shit myself waiting for the bathroom
11. i clean up mess
12. shes asleep
13. i leave.
14. wash/shower at home
15. poasting
16....
17. no profit.
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Old 03-14-2005, 04:47 PM damnit is offline  
#137  

PLEASE BAN ME
radeonic2
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I would read the whole thrad if I had the patience.
Stopped reading after the dude who shit all over the hotel.
in 5th or 6th grade, walking home, I shit my pants when im like 5 yards away from my house.
No profit.
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Old 03-14-2005, 04:51 PM PLEASE BAN ME is offline  
#138  

wadie
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shake
The following is an in-flight recording of a conversation between 2 pilots in a 2 seater fighter jet...
enjoy.
http://home.planet.nl/~slui0628/genm...flightsuit.wav

edit: if you can help hosting thatd be cool...

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Old 03-14-2005, 04:58 PM wadie is offline  
#139  

Affinity
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No bad stories here
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:02 PM Affinity is offline  
#140  

neonlights
 
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Here's a couple:

1) Junior year in high school 6 of my friends and I spent a LOT of time at my friend Jim's house. One time, my friend Mikey fell asleep on the couch. Jim had the "amazing" talent of forcing himself to fart. Well, he was all hunched over my friend, and started force-farting on his head. Mikey woke up from the smell, as Jim was forcing his last one out. All of a sudden, he stood up really straight, cupped his hands around the bottom of his ass and took off running for the bathroom. We all stood there in silence, and then realized what happened and started laughing in hysterics. As we walked towards the bathroom to make fun of him, we noticed a small trail of shit on the floor.

2) Last year, I went on a trip to Florida, and ate at some authentic-Jewish resteraunt. Needless to say, about 10pm that night, my stomach was NOT agreeing with what I ate. I thought my stomach was just cramping up really badly, but no... I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet for literally half an hour. At the end, I ended up taking a shit so big it ripped my ass apart. My ass bled everytime I took a shit for about two weeks afterwards. If getting DITB is anything like that, I'm never doing anal

3) During my freshman year in college, my friends and I were sitting in the cafeteria that was across campus from our dorm. Now keep in mind that, the food was famous for killing your colon. Anyway, so I'm sitting in my chair talking and I feel the urge to rip ass really badly. So I figure I'll let it go, no big deal. Right? Wrong. I ended up sharting myself in the middle of the cafeteria while wearing khaki pants. So I told my friend what happened, and she walked behind me while I kind of waddled to the bathroom. I ended up taking my pants off and balling them up. She gave me her XXL hoodie, and we walked back to the dorm together, her in a tshirt, and me with no pants on. This wouldn't have been so bad, had it not been February, and a foot of snow on the ground
Luckily, none of my friends ever made fun of me about it, because apparently everyone's shit themselves after eating the school food.
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:06 PM neonlights is offline  
#141  

Baloneyflaps.
Baloneyflaps
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I've had a poop disaster.

It was about 2 years ago on my last deployment. My platoon was on our off days, so we had a BBQ and stayed up until the wee hours drinking like madmen, watching movies and playing Unreal Tournament in the communal area. The living quarters were Williams Scotsman modular buildings (think lego-style configurable trailer houses) the common area had a 60 inch projection TV, a couple couches, a bunch of chairs, a fridge, microwave, some computers, and shit like that. It was a big open area surrounded by 2-man rooms.

Anyway, I got drunk (as almost all did) and went to bed... I crashed in my jeans. Somehow I managed to take my shoes off. Somewhere around the asscrack of dawn, my stomach churned, and I had a bit of a cramp. Not that surprising considering all the drinking and eating. I grimaced, waited it out, and rolled over expecting to go back to sleep.

About a minute passed, and I think I was close to sleep again. Then, cramp. Bad cramp. Serious bubbly guts. In an awful hungover sleepy haze, I thought that I might have to go to the shitter, but I still wasn't wanting to get out of bed. So there I lay, and still I hoped it would pass. As I lay half suspiciously waiting for the next attack and half thinking the same would not come again, it hit.

It felt like a porcupine sumo did a backflip in my abdomen. Literally, my stomach MOVED. It made sounds I've never heard *gerBLUNK* *GraaaarrrrRRRRRRR* *bubbleGLORG*. I winced with the pain, and for a millisecond I thought I needed to rip a good morning fart. Before the thought could truly formulate wholly, my renegade colon was sending my sphincter a big "fuck you". I locked my virgin boy-pussy up tight, and I'm sure my eyes fairly bulged from my skull as I sat up in my bed-- resolved at last that it WAS TIME.

I was squeezing my hoop with all I had, even with muscles not attached to it. I think all of me was tensed. I decided to go.

I swung my left leg over the side of the bed to get up and as I focused my attention more on walking and spread my previously locked together ass cheeks and legs, the 3rd wave hit.

I don't think I was totally in a standing position by the time the shit was hitting the back of my left knee.

I managed to lock that shit up tight, but there I stood... hungover, with liquid shit running down my left pants leg, dripping off my ankle on to the floor. So what then? I'm covered in shit, and am hurting needing to shit more. I knew I could never walk without shitting more. And I could hear the TV on in the common area, so at least one person was already in there watching cartoons. I couldn't go to the latrine without me streaming poop across what was our livingroom and having a witness to see me trail shit.

So, there I stood. I knew I couldn't leave the room in that condition.

So I shat.

And shat.

And shat.

It ran down my leg like the river Ganges.


I stood there, and I kept shitting.


Finally, the flow stopped and I was foul, the room was stinking like you wouldn't believe and there was a pool of crap under me. I thank my lucky stars my roommate was on leave. I opened the window (it was freezing cold) still the stink was enormous. Trying not to make a bigger mess, I undressed, and started to clean myself with anything cloth within reach. I soon ran out of my stuff, and started to grab his to wipe my ass, legs, and the floor. Before long I had a huge pile of shit covered clothes.

When the best cleaning I could do was done, I knew I had to go to the laundromat. Again, I had a dilemma. I couldn't walk out with a load of clothes stinking so bad. I had to use like 5 trash bags double up and practically RUN to the laundromat so the stench wouldn't permeate. Fortunately, no one was washing clothes when I got the washing machines at 6 AM.
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Last edited by Baloneyflaps; 03-14-2005 at 05:21 PM..
Old 03-14-2005, 05:08 PM Baloneyflaps. is offline  
#142  

stapler
Fear my nazi SuparMod powers!
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Genualdi
I shat on my mom, got vomited on, and vomited on myself

Quote:
Originally Posted by BaloneyFlaps
I stood there, and I kept shitting.


these have got to be the two funniest things i've heard since my mom popped me out those 21 years ago
Old 03-14-2005, 05:25 PM stapler is offline  
#143  

Heathen-Yak
OMGDIE2U
 
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1. mom made awesome bean dip
2. took some home
3. at it all while working on a web page
4. felt fine
5. ..........
6. gf calls
7. imense feeling that I had to shit
8. stomach cramps
9. shitting for 2 hours, 4 flushes
10. visable CORN in shit
11. felt like ass all day today
12..................
13. no profit
Old 03-14-2005, 05:29 PM Heathen-Yak is offline  
#144  

Baloneyflaps.
Baloneyflaps
My dick: more mass than the earth
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stapler
these have got to be the two funniest things i've heard since my mom popped me out those 21 years ago


You have no idea how I felt right then. Have you any idea how unnatural a feeling it is, to just stand and shit down your pants leg onto the floor? I was in shock, to say the least to find myself in a situation where my best option was just to be standing, AND SHITTING MY PANTS.
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:32 PM Baloneyflaps. is offline  
#145  

Suicide King
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baloneyflaps
I've had a poop disaster.

It felt like a porcupine sumo did a backflip in my abdomen. Literally, my stomach MOVED. It made sounds I've never heard *gerBLUNK* *GraaaarrrrRRRRRRR* *bubbleGLORG*. I winced with the pain, and for a millisecond I thought I needed to rip a good morning fart. Before the thought could truly formulate wholly, my renegade colon was sending my sphincter a big "fuck you". I locked my virgin boy-pussy up tight, and I'm sure my eyes fairly bulged from my skull as I sat up in my bed-- resolved at last that it WAS TIME.
.

omg best paragraph i've ever read
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:33 PM Suicide King is offline  
#146  

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holy mother fuck, this thread is hilarious! I'm fuckin crying over here!
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:37 PM (Bob) Dylan is offline  
#147  

Genualdi
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stapler
these have got to be the two funniest things i've heard since my mom popped me out those 21 years ago
It wasn't so much funny as it was mind-blowingly traumatizing and indescribably gross. I still remember the "shower". *Shudder* But I guess if you can get a good laugh out of it, I've done my job.

edit: I think im gonna go take a risk and try to read Thomas the Tank Engine...
Old 03-14-2005, 05:46 PM Genualdi is offline  
#148  

iwantsomegaysexnowdamni
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I need pen0r in my an0r right now damnit!
 
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ah, I fuckin love that story.
Old 03-14-2005, 05:51 PM iwantsomegaysexnowdamni is offline  
#149  

Baloneyflaps.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuicideKing
omg best paragraph i've ever read




After all the washing, all the scrubbing, all the Lysol and air freshener... I told everyone what had happened eventually including my roommate. Though disgusted, they all got a good laugh out of it, and I still get fucked with about it.
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:51 PM Baloneyflaps. is offline  
#150  

 


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