View Single Post
... and the LORD struck him with an incureable disease of the bowels ...
3 stories, all good...

1) At f00ker's mom's place to have dinner; his sister and brother in law are there too. We're all playing mario tennis or something and I feel the urge coming on. I keep playing because the game isn't even half way done. By the time the game ends, I know I'm gonna shit myself if I don't go now, but they all want to play another game, and I'm all "no... no... I've had enough for now", my voice strained. So I end up throwing the controller down, I walk as quickly as possible to the toilet and promptly UNLOAD. Oh. My. God. That felt so good... the flood gates had been opened and the pressure was all gone. Only problem was that it STUNK like HELL. I end up coming out of the bathroom 20 minutes later. Apparently his sister had been waiting to use the bathroom when I was done. So I walk out, sheepish look on my face, and begin to walk away. I turn to look over my shoulder to see her walk in, and a split second later walk RIGHT back out, her eyes seeming to water and a disgusted look on her face.


2) Going along with the pissing/shitting/vommitting theme y'all have going... Four or five years ago I remember quite possibly one of the worst nights of my life. I hadn't been feeling well all evening, so I eventually go outside to get some fresh air since that had a tendency to make myself feel better. Five or so minutes pass and I realize that my entire stomach region hurts like mad and that I'm gonna puke. So I start looking around frantically for somewhere to puke. No dice. Pain in abdomen continues to grow to excruciating levels. So finally I puke. Not only to I puke all over the front porch, I POWER PUKE all over the front porch; vomit spraying everywhere. With the vomit still coming out of my mouth, I that something funny is going on with my back end. Shit. Oh shit. And LOTS of it! Not only did I have the flu, I had diarhhea. And it was the squeezing of the abdominal muscles was enough to propell the pent-up excrement out of my ass and FILL my sweatpants!
My mom finally comes out and I have to sheepishly tell her that I'd had an accident. I waddle into the bathroom, 20 or so yards away, and I had to walk past the dining room table, at which my entire family was still eating. VERY EMBARASSING. So I clean up, shower, get new clothing on, etc etc.
But the story doesn't end there (I wish it had, though). I spend the rest of the night vommitting and shitting myself at least half a dozen times. I sleep on the bathroom floor in my parents' room because that was the closest bathroom to my room. At one point I woke up and couldn't even make it to the toilet and shat all over the floor. I spend the next few hours cleaning it up. To this day, I can still see a very slight discoloring of the carpet where it happened

3) This actually happened a few nights ago, hehe... My parents, f00ker, my niece (6 yrs old), and a few friends of the family all decide to go to dinner at the Old Country Buffet. Everyone eats, fun is had by all, etc etc. By the end of the evening, f00ker and I realized we both needed to shit really really bad. So f00ker and I hop into my car and speed back to my parents' house. He heads for the downstairs bathroom, and I to the upstairs one (in my parents' room because there was no way in hell I was gonna use my brothers'... but in retrospect, I probably should have). I make it there just in the nick of time, sit down, and unload. It wasn't so much big logs as it was the sheery quantity of small ones. Over a dozen of them, it was ridiculous. Suddenly I hear the downstairs (front) door open. Shit, everyone's back. After a minute or so I hear little footsteps coming up the stairs and someone knocks on the door. Its my niece. I tell her I'm almost done and I'll be out in a minute. Well, I start to panic. My niece, I love her and all, but she doesn't understand that its kinda rude to comment about anything *left* in the bathroom when you enter. Well, I finally get out of the bathroom, and she goes in. At this point, f00ker is waiting for me at the top of the stairs (door to parents room), and my niece suddenly pops her head out the door and says "Julia, you left some poop in the toilet! and it stinks!"

f00ker and my mother (who heard it too) both bust up laughing, while I stand there utterly stunned. After a moment I laugh too, but I gently scold her, and go about my business.

Kids say the damnnest things
Old 03-14-2005, 03:21 PM SlickChicFallen is offline